The Tree That Is ME

I’m 58 years old and my oldest living brother is 80. For the first time in my (our) lives, three months ago, we heard each other’s voice on the phone—we had NEVER spoken to each other before over the phone. And to be perfectly honest, we’ve never really talked much to each other at all during our lifetimes. I would imagine we’d still have a couple of fingers left to use if we were to count on our hands the number of times we actually “talked” to each other. The  phone call came at his request via my next oldest brother whose voice I was also shocked to hear… 

     So I adhered to the request, and I am happy that I did because the call then resulted in a later, in-person visit, as a result of me traveling to the area for a wedding—which resulted in an approximate four—four 1/2 hour long conversation at his kitchen table. An evening & conversation that I will treasure for the rest of living days.  And I hope he feels the same. He spoke of “atonement”, and shared truths of the past and its impact on the current day, that can’t be undone. His experiences (which deem him a hero in my mind) in Vietnam, and how that impacted him… and so much more. It’s taken me three months to download and process just some of what we talked about. That night I drove (headed) home through tear-filled eyes (like the ones falling down my face right now as I write) As my eldest (living) brother, what he deposited and shared with me in just a few hours was priceless. It’s no secret that I don’t have strong sibling ties, interactions and relationships. And for years I tried to force a reality that didn’t fit. It didn’t fit me, my dreams, aspirations, and ideas about who I was, who I wanted to become or even be in the moment. And that’s not to be interpreted as a negative thing— it’s just a reality as it relates to human interaction and outcomes. And I struggled with that for years because of how I was made to feel or just how I felt in general. Because that FOE ideology…🤔

Most siblings form bonds through being socialized in a household together—that wasn’t my (our) reality because after our mom’s death we were disbanded—and my intentionality to try to form bonds never really gelled. And it would appear that just as I finished the last chapter of my book—and had literally and figuratively closed the book on those (and associated) efforts, I got a call …

Amongst many things, that were said, during my visit, there was something that gave me clarity (though I won’t share), but there was an assertion that affirmed something that I always knew deep down inside. It was no longer a “feeling”, something I sensed, but an affirmation.

     Family is a complicated melody of human frailties. But when you don’t fit you just don’t fit and it’s okay!  

But now… just a little over a week ago, my oldest brother called ME. He called to give me feedback on my new book. And I admit I was nervous. Nervous because my brother is extremely intelligent. He’s bluntly honest, so I stood braced. He had a list of questions that I answered swiftly and confidently—because I know my brother doesn’t do well with small talk and ambiguity. Then he responded with words, of wisdom, and affirmation that made me extremely emotional. But what should likely read as the conclusion (closing statement) of this post, is that my brother’s remarks about the book were nothing short of profound praise, and full of love for which I am deeply grateful, humbled, and further inspired. 

     And certain information (content) that I thought he would rebut, he affirmed/confirmed. He wished me all the best, and even offered advice for next steps. There is more than one reason why ALL of this matters, but mostly because it’s never been missed on me that despite our “differences”, me and my oldest (living) brother are most alike. Another reason is and this is not a verbatim quote, but everyone’s story is in your book and even if they read it “they won’t ‘read’ it.” Also, it was reaffirmed that our mom was just flat out incredible, fierce, and beautiful inside and out. And with that came jealousy, and isolation—something I never doubted, and instinctively knew.❤️ 🕊️ 

So, what I know for sure is something about a tree… over the course of its lifetime winds, and storms will shake it—the dead/weak leaves and branches will fall off, and if they don’t fall off you have to cut them off—that’s how it should be…because only what should remain is what is nourished by and nourishment for the tree. Sometimes a tree is planted in the wrong soil and has to be removed, and replanted and begun anew because, you never know how tall a tree can grow until it grows. And you’ll know what kind of tree it is from its fruit. 

Life is short as I am reminded every single day, and tomorrow may or may not be… but I am grateful for the replanting of a tree—that is ME.☀️🌳

#BeWhoYouSayYouAre

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#ABETTERYOUISABETTERME🌹