What It Means To Cry Mommy🕊️🤍

 

There was a game called, “Cry Uncle.” The concept of “crying uncle” was meant to admit defeat, or begging for mercy. Personally, I loathe the game because I found it to be a form of bullying to force someone into submission. Hold that thought. 

I recall a time, many years ago,  when my brother called out for our mom. He was in a certain location in close proximity to where our mother would be alive (lived) last. But she had long been deceased when this happened. So it felt a tad eerie; him beckoning for her. That said, because he was under the influence of substance at the time—his cry was relegated to him being in an induced state of mind. But it hit me differently—I “felt” it was something deeper—but it was just a “feeling.”  I had nothing to substantiate what it was—other than it warranting sadness for him—sadness for us. 

Now fast forward many years later— tons of research papers and degrees later; I know something that I didn’t know or understand back then:

* George Floyd repeatedly called out for his “mama” though she proceeded him in death

* Tyree Nichols, while being beaten by police officers, repeatedly shouted for his “mother”

* Daunte Wright called his “mother”(fearful) before being fatally shot by police.

* Once a family member was attempting to fight (hit)  me, and as I landed a defending punch, I yelled out (as if my mom was still alive), “My mother is the only one that has permission to put her hands on me!” I remember the proclamation and how I felt out-of-body when I said it. Someone later revisited that statement citing that it made them sad because what occurred to them was: “This girl is still missing her mother.” I was in my mid-to-late forties. What he realized, and was able to put words to is what I “felt” all those many years earlier for my brother. 

So here’s the science behind the “Mommy, mom, mama, mother” cry—that explains the “out of body” stress, and trauma induced cry:

When someone cries out for their mother during deep trauma and distress—it’s not a disregard for their father—where there is a father. It’s a neurological response driven by the attached/cry-for-help response in the nervous system. The alarm system of the brain—the amygdala (M.D., Van der Kolk, B., 2014). “The Body Keeps The Score.”

This attached/cry-for-help response is formed between mother and baby (child) long before any traumatic events arise.  It becomes a default response when distress, trauma and other life threatening circumstances feel eminent.

So here we go again! If the developments are true, that Nolan Xavier Wells also known as No-No by his close friends and family; cried out for his mom. Despite coming from a nuclear family, despite his father, being a prominent presence in his home and his life, despite the love between them… during his distress, if this is true, he was crying out for his mom. My heart is painfully overwhelmed at the mere thought of this. 

The evil in this world is debilitating. I look at the face of this kid and I see my grandson. I see all of the other young black men and boys that have been loss and violated due to the vile, diabolical, evil violence—and yes, racially motivated hate.  It’s deplorable.  Did I say, and disgusting jealousy? Yes, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy! And whatever the allegiances are that they have one to another— it crosses state lines, it crosses neighborhoods, and it STILL crosses the Atlantic Ocean.  There is an allegiance that is had between them, that is evil.  It is historical (systemic), and it is real, active, and potent. I cannot imagine how disorienting and debilitating this level of pain, loss, grief and destruction must be for these families. While transparency was and is deserved, warranted and necessary for the sake of closure; if the details that are starting to emerge are true as to what happened to Nolan Xavier Wells—again, if it’s true, these details are haunting, diabolical, vile and demented to a level of evil that can only be summarized as demonic. 

I’ve asked, “Why?” I’ve asked God about why, why and why? I asked how and why this over and over and over and over? I found no comfort, no consolation, but what I do know is that evil has existed in the minds of men forever.  Evil has coexisted alongside goodwill forever. So regardless of what you believe who you believe in or what you reject—the reality is the world is occupied with an evil that cannot be denied or ignored. So what we do with that or what you do with that is only yours to know. How this gets processed in our personal spaces—how it gets processed in our bodies, our nervous systems, how we continue to compartmentalize trauma, globally, culturally, socially, and individually,  to the title of Dr. Bethel Vander Kolk, #1 NYTs best selling book; “The Body Keeps The Score.” It’s no wonder that there’s so much chronic disease such as high blood pressure, trauma eating, alcohol, sexual addictions, and drug abuse exasperated in our communities. Making the case that the body is keeping score. Housing the trauma. It’s overtaken by the weeds of despair—yet somehow, we still live. We still rise—even thrive. We find ways to compartmentalize. Oftentimes, our pain is something we try to find ways to anesthetize. 

We know about published research on the epigenetic—(DNA) changes in Jewish descendants following the Holocaust. Epigenetics being the change in the DNA structure from trauma and stress that’s gets passed on from one generation to the next. As far as I know, this research really took hold and gained support for the Jewish community. However, discussions-research of how epigenetic changes impact Blacks in this country—descendants of slaves doesn’t seem as important. 

The consequences associated with Epigenetic changes as a result of the barbaric lived experiences of slavery feels measly in comparison—in my opinion. Why is this? The scarcity of research on this specific topic as it relates to acknowledging the biological, genetic changes and implications of that damage seems to be treated like something debatable when it comes to decedents of (slaves) slavery. 

Does the minimizing and/or denial about the effects genetically, mentally, financially, of Black people in this country—the descendants of slaves, make it more palatable to deem us less than? We are everything but that. Does denying the harm bestowed on us, help to validate the derogatory ideologies about our existence? 

What we have endured in this country and continue to endure is inhuman. The continued suffering, slaughter and execution on land that our ancestors toiled, buildings that our ancestors erected in this country. Is it that because our labor is no longer free, so our demise is deemed warranted? It appears that our greatness is the bane of another man’s existence. Why? Does it overshadow his self-esteem, worth, and self importance? Is the other man’s mediocrity self-inflicted in the presence of such extraordinary excellence despite—in fact, because of the oppression that was set up to extinguish him? Is this why the list continues to grow of our young black men and boys—who can’t relish in their “Black Boy Joy?” They have been targeted and robbed of their right to grow old in these United States because they won’t submit? So as a consequence—they (we) are brutally forced to “cry mommy.”

Asking for a friend.

Copyright ©️ by Christie Y. Shaw

(pre & post editing)

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#NolanWells

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#WhatItMeansToCryMommy🕊️🤍