How Are You Feeling?

August 08, 2026

Recently, I asked someone on an elevator, “How are you doing?” And one hour-ten minutes, and several people on and off the elevator later—I was standing outside the elevators listening to this stranger tell me, literally, how they were doing… from buying a new home, finishing a degree program, still enjoying the honeymoon season of their very new marriage—all while caring for ailing parents. And I remember thinking, “Next time be sure that you really want to know the answer in the event someone actually decides to answer you.” Especially on an elevator. Better yet…say, “hello” and keep it moving. I asked—they answered.

However, I ask the same question of the people that I know, love, support, fellowship, even break-bread with and I get responses ranging from, “Good, great, okay, no complaints, and the platitudinous, blessed and favored!” Which seemingly coincides with the visible realities of their lives. So no need to pry any further. But, lately, in various instances, by the time the breaking of bread, fellowship, or drive home is done—tears have fallen—some uncontrollably. Expressions of grief, loss, disappointment, betrayal—even fear arise. Finally, it has occurred to me—I have been asking the wrong question all this time.

Over the course of my lifetime, I have experienced a great deal of familial deaths—mostly tragic in nature. So much so, that it’s unfathomable for most people to even imagine. However, in this latter decade of my life—the impact of unexpected, sudden death of family has managed to take up residence in my body—my bones—my heart-PLACE—like never before. I recently lost a niece that I loved so deeply that, I think, she was my heart in human form.

A year later, people are still asking me—how am I doing? But when asked that question one day before her death, I answered with a resounding, “Great! I just got back from an amazing trip in Costa Rica. My new book is releasing soon. I just moved into my new home. And all my children are doing great.” Because of course, that’s the type of response you think people are looking for. Especially in this culture of hyper-focus on who’s doing what.

But, coming through this experience, I know what they are really asking is—how am I “feeling?” Because they understand the devastation of the loss for me.

Consequently, I never get through answering that question without tears because in turn, I ask myself… what’s the honest answer vs. the conditioned one?

Life’s not perfect, but it’s optimal for now. And despite my sadness—its ebb and flow of related emotions—I am “doing” good. Both things are true.

So, in this decade of my life—I have grown to be more sensitive and invested in how people are “feeling” vs. doing. I am intentional in my asking because I genuinely care. I am fulfilled in my purpose when, I am able to provide encouragement-support-guidance—even resources.

I realize how it can feel like a matter of semantics—or splitting of hairs. But indeed it is not. Yet we ask the question interchangeably. Surely, one may be influenced by the other, but they are different.

Though an anecdotal reference, Ryan Clark comes to mind. He’s definitely doing good. (despite being fired from ESPN). But his “feelings” and sense of wellbeing was/is seemingly carried by an undercurrent of “acceptance” or the lack thereof.

So what I know for sure is that you are very likely to get a very different response when you are intentional about asking someone how they are feeling vs how they are doing? And that matters—only if you genuinely care to know.